


Ludus

by Baamon5evr



Series: In The Way Of The Greeks [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Steve Rogers, F/M, Gay Sam Wilson, Gen, Headcanon, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Past Relationship(s), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Relationship, Reminiscing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-05 17:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15868566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: Steve and Sam leave Sam's parents place and talk about their past relationships. Sam comes to a conclusion, that just so happen to be the wrong conclusion.





	Ludus

**Ludus (Playful Love):** _The affection between children or young lovers._

* * *

They soon left Mr. and Mrs. Wilson’s place after staying a few extra days. Steve enjoyed the down time. He particularly enjoyed spending time with Sarah and Gideon’s kids who, after being star-struck, treated him like a walking, talking action figure. Steve didn’t mind and their parents were glad for the break so it was the least he could do. It was nice to do something normal like playing with the children or helping Sarah and Colonel Wilson in the kitchen or watching a game with Pastor Wilson. It felt nice to be in a family setting, even if it wasn’t his family and it certainly hadn’t hurt to be with Sam without anything bogging them down. Sam had taken him on a tour of Harlem, pointing out places of significance to him: where he used to play as a child, where he went to school, where he had his first kiss, where he played basketball. He gave Steve some pointers at the sport and he’d handled it fairly well he thought.

Steve wanted to reciprocate that and so they took a trip to his old neighborhood in Brooklyn. It was vastly different than when he lived there but he still mostly knew his way around. He pointed out what had changed: buildings that were not there anymore, stores that had faded to memory. He also pointed out things that were still around like Tony’s Pizzeria, though it had been renovated significantly, and a butcher shop turned fish store that looked more or less the same despite the change of wares. He took him to where his old apartment was and walked him through the neighborhood, pointing out places he’d gotten into fights, where his old friends had lived, where he had worked. Sam seemed to enjoy getting a small peek into the history of Steve Rogers and Steve enjoyed opening up to him. He put the search out of his mind for a while and focused on just being in the moment.

That couldn’t last forever but despite being on the road again and trying to find Bucky, the overarching sense of peace that fell on him in the previous week still held up as he and Sam drove towards their next destination. They were still in the US, driving towards Canada rather than taking a plane. Steve didn’t admit it when asked, but he wanted to savor the time he had with Sam before things got complicated and difficult again. Sam hadn’t protested too much but also didn’t ask. Steve could tell he was almost bursting with the want to do so. To his credit, he held it in until they hit New Hampshire.

“So, I know it’s only a six-hour drive from New York to Montreal, but why’d you want to drive anyway? Didn’t want the hassle of LaGuardia?”

“Airports don’t bother me nearly as much as they bother you… or you bother them for that matter.”

“Hey! I think asking about the ethics behind patting a man’s junk without his permission is well within my rights to ask.”

“More like demanding, and talking to the check-in receptionist about it rather than the TSA people.”

“He agreed with me.”

“He thought you were flirting with him.”

“Who says I wasn’t?” Sam countered playfully.

“If you were, you picked a strange topic to do it with.”

“I beg to differ, but that’s beside the point. What’s with the extra mileage on the rental?” Steve shrugged in response.

“I just… wanted to be alone is all.” Steve replied, shrugging once more. Sam sat silently beside him for a moment before responding.

“I didn’t push you, did I?” Steve glanced over at him with confusion.

“When I showed you around Harlem. I didn’t do it so you could show me where you grew up. I didn’t want to push you into anything.”

“Sam, you didn’t.”

“You sure? I understand that sometimes memories can be…” Sam trailed off without finishing the sentence but Steve understood where he was going anyway and shook his head.

“They weren’t, it was fine. I’m fine. I’m glad I showed you around. I haven’t shown anyone else where I grew up. Even when reporters want to interview me in my old neighborhood, I’ve refused. It felt nice sharing that with someone I can trust.”

“Aww, now I feel special.” Sam said, practically preening beside him before deflating a little.

“Actually, I’m kind of surprised.”

“By what?” Sam paused, as if gathering his thoughts before he continued.

“Natasha and I were talking before I coerced you into taking a break.”

“I think your memory on that is slightly skewed.” Steve mumbled in return.

“She mentioned that she’d been trying to get you to talk to her about Brooklyn, maybe take her or someone else you could consider a friend there. But I think she mostly wanted you to take her. She thought you didn’t because of Bucky and you weren’t ready to be close like that with someone yet, consider her a friend and not just a teammate or co-worker.” Steve digested that. Natasha had offered, on several occasions, to go to Brooklyn with him when it was brought up in conversation but he declined every time.

“At first, I didn’t want to go back without Bucky. We were supposed to go home together. Beyond that, I thought it would be too painful to see that not only was he gone but everyone was and almost everything I’d known too. Then I was away for so long that I just wanted to focus on work and getting on with my life. Plus, I admit a part of me didn’t trust her back then. I do now and I trust you.”

“I trust you too.” Sam replied with a smile.

“Um, can I ask you something again?”

“Sure.” Steve replied.

“I know Bucky’s important to you and your mom and memories with them are attached to your old neighborhood. But you mentioned that it wasn’t just Bucky that was gone, you’ve mentioned that more than once. Is Alan and Tosh a part of that?” Steve glanced over at him again, trying to keep the tension off his shoulders.

“How do you know about them?”

“You mentioned their names before when you were talking about how everything you did wasn’t just for Bucky. I was curious but I didn’t want to push you. I don’t want to push you now. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but I was wondering who they were.”

Steve sighed, thinking about them.

“They were my firsts.”

_Steve dropped back on the bed, panting heavily as his body buzzed with the energy of his recent activities._

_“You’re not going to have an asthma attack, are you? Because if you do I won’t be much help.” Alan said beside him, brushing his ash black locks from his forehead. Steve rolled his eyes in response._

_“Shut up and give me a second.” Alan snorted in that way he did whenever Steve was purposely abrasive with him. Most people wouldn’t talk to him or anyone else in Nicky’s crew like that but Steve had never known when to leave well enough alone._

_He didn’t exactly expect to end up in Alan’s bed at any point. If he were honest, he was still kind of freaking out inside about it._ _Sure, he noticed that his gaze wandered over to Bucky sometimes when he would walk around shirtless but it wasn’t something he thought to explore. He pushed it away as curiosity or envy even. Steve would never have that stature, that definition, the kind of body women fell over themselves for._

_But that changed. He had stopped Alan from bullying people before but tonight when he had, the taller boy dragged him into an alley as his victim ran off and punched Steve across the lip. Steve managed to get a punch in to the other boy’s cheek and stared at him defiantly when he made all manner of threats and spat a whole litany of curses and insults at him, not caring that Alan towered over his 5’4 stature at 5'11. He wasn’t completely clear on how they went from that to Alan pushing him against the wall and kissing him. He was even more unclear on why he kissed him back but he had and then they made their way back to Alan’s place, keeping a careful distance, and from there things just got hazier. So, now, Steve was lying beside him in his bed buck naked beside the guy he’s held animosity towards since they were probably 5 years old. Suffice it to say he was freaking out internally._

_“Stop doing that.” Alan mumbled beside him._

_“Wheezing? I don’t really have a choice in the matter. And seeing as how it’s your fault, I think you should be more sympathetic.” Steve replied, his fingers brushing against his swollen lip. They’d probably look worse in the morning, both from Alan’s punch and his kisses._

_“Not the wheezing part, the overthinking it part. It’s just sex, it happens, it’s fine.” Alan said. Steve could just make out the discomfort in his face behind the nonchalance._

_“Yeah, sex happens all the time but generally not like this, not between people like us.”_

_“People like us?”_

_“My family’s Irish. Yours is Italian.” Alan burst out laughing then._

_“It’s not like we’re involved with the mafia, Steve.”_

_“I’m a pretty decent person and you’re an asshole.” Steve continued._

_“You didn’t exactly care about that before when I was sucking your—”_

_“And, of course, there’s the little fact that we’re both fellas.” Alan shrugged uncomfortably then._

_“So?”_

_“So? So, what? You’re queer?” Steve asked almost hesitantly._

_“I ain’t a fairy.”_

_“I didn’t say you were, I asked if you were queer. ‘Cause we are currently as naked as the day we were born, so if you’re not I think I’d just be even more confused.”_

_“What about you?” It was Steve’s turn to shrug with discomfort now._

_“I don’t know. I’ve never done anything like this before. Not with anyone, gal or guy.”_

_“I’m your first? Did I take your virginity, Rogers? Aw, you poor, sweet, innocent—” Steve punched Alan on the arm cutting off his teasing, though it probably did more damage to him than the other boy who just laughed in response._

_“Asshole. I liked you better when you weren’t speaking.” Steve mumbled in annoyance._

_“I could tell as much.” Alan replied, his voice just as playful._

_“I’m sure you feel the same.” Steve replied, ignoring the way Alan looked down at him, propped up on his elbow with his cheek resting on his hand. He almost looked at Steve with fondness. Steve didn’t know what to do with that._

_“Finding a way to shut you up, Rogers? Lightening in a bottle.”_

_“Unfortunately for you, I don’t think you’re gonna be able to whip out your dick next time I stop you and your crew from terrorizing some innocent person. Besides, this isn’t going to happen again. It doesn't need to, if this was just curiosity it's been satisfied.” Alan chuckled again._

_“If you think shoving our pricks in each other’s mouth is all there is, you really don’t know a thing about sex.”_

_“Well, I am Catholic.” Steve replied with a cheeky smile. Alan pushed himself up, hovering over Steve. Steve felt his heart pounding in his chest as he stared at the other boy inches away from his face._

_“How about this? I show you everything that this could be, open you up to feelings you didn’t know existed in your wildest imagination and then, after tonight, we’re done. Right back to the natural order of the world. Deal?”_

_Steve’s heart was still pounding ever so slightly with a mixture of fear, anticipation, want and pure pleasure. Maybe it was clouding his brain and effecting his ability to make judgements but before he even knew it, the acquiescence was falling from his lips and then Alan’s lips were pressed against his again. A part of him, a part deep down that he hadn’t even known existed yearned in anticipation for what was to transpire in that room, if only for one night._

“It was going to be one night. ‘It’s something we can look back on when we’re 90 and say we did something crazy’ Alan had said. It wasn’t just one night though. My fault. I kept going back.” Steve answered almost guiltily as he glanced over at Sam who looked at him with a receptive smile. He didn’t know why guilt was what he felt. Sam already knew he was bisexual, one of the few people who did actually, and he knew Sam was gay. It shouldn’t cow him to talk about this but so much of his life was fear-oriented that he still got his defenses up about it sometimes. Sam just looked like he was waiting for Steve to continue.

“During the day, we fought tooth and nail and then at night I’d sneak out of my apartment and go out with Alan. He would take me to these hangouts, bars and the like that were frequented by queer people. There were so many men and women and people who were both or neither even. There were people I knew from my neighborhood who I would never have even thought of as anything other than “normal”, and I was… I guess the best word I could use is star-struck. I didn’t imagine something like that could exist.”

“You and me both.”

“I figured I did it, you know. I found myself. I like men, that’s why all those dates Bucky took me on went downhill. I figured, yeah the height thing was maybe a part of it but mostly some part of those women must’ve known the truth about me before I even knew it: that I didn’t like women at all, I just liked men. That didn’t feel _completely_ right. I still noticed women, still felt something when I saw them but at the time I didn’t think there was any middle ground. You’re one thing or you’re the other. Alan seemed to think so anyway and I just followed his lead for a while when it came to my sexuality.”

“I don’t see you being much of a follower.” Sam commented with surprise. Steve shrugged in response.

“I was afraid and unsure. Alan had been in that world longer than I had and he seemed so fearless under those lights, under the cover of night really. During the day, it was different.” Steve gave a humorless laugh then.

“Once I kissed him during the day. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was excited. I was in love with him even though I swore up and down that I wasn’t and I wouldn’t fall for him because he was such an asshole when he was around his friends. He took me to this art exhibit the night before, it was an exclusive thing but he knew a guy and we had fun and went back to his place and it was just so… good. The next morning when I saw him, I wasn’t thinking. I was just happy and I pulled him into an alleyway and I kissed in broad daylight and he pulled away and punched me.” Steve recalled. He remembered how heartbroken he was at that time.

“His friend, this bully named Nicky, was nearby and he didn’t want him to see. That night he apologized and wanted to make it better but I realized he couldn’t because he could never be what I wanted him to be. He would never be the guy he was at night during the day. Granted for good reason, it wasn’t like it is now. He would’ve been killed or thrown into a sanitorium, I could’ve been too. But he couldn’t even gain the courage to ditch Nicky’s gang, to stop bullying people even if he didn’t mean any of what he said or did to them. He still hurt people, so I made a decision. I told him I didn’t want half of him and I broke up with him. My first kiss with a guy, my first time and my first heartbreak.” Steve explained, letting those old feelings creep back in ever so slightly. They should feel dull given how much time had passed, even by standards of his original timeline.

“And Tosh? Did he come after?”

“She. I met her on one of the double dates with Buck, though she wasn’t actually my date.”

_Steve heard another sigh beside him and tried not to look at the girl sitting on the stool next to him. Bucky had insisted on taking him out on this double date, even though Steve protested. Half because he didn’t want to be embarrassed by some girl who was expecting a blonde version of Bucky and half because he didn’t want to go out with a girl. He wanted to go to Cypher or another one of the underground places he and Alan used to frequent. He didn’t want to examine the pang he felt in his stomach upon seeing his date right before that pang turned sour right around the same time her mood did upon seeing him._

_It didn’t mean anything. Sure, she was gorgeous, all the girls Buck convinced him to go out with were, but that was all it was. Steve now knew that he didn’t like women and that revelation had finally helped him feel settled in his own bones, feel like he actually knew himself spiritually no matter how much his body betrayed him when a beautiful dame walked past. It didn’t matter that he felt something. His body had been trying to kill him ever since he was born, it was a traitorous thing. He couldn’t trust it. He trusted how he felt though and the longing and want that rose in him with he saw a good-looking fella without a shirt on or felt roughened lips pressed against his or a much larger, muscular body above or even below him, well you couldn’t fake those feelings and they were undeniable._

_Furthermore, he didn’t want to deny them anymore. Just because things didn’t work out with Alan didn’t mean he needed to revert to the lie he lived before. He didn’t care how much his body would like to make him think it wasn’t as much of a lie as he thought. He knew how he felt._

_The night was going as it usually did. Buck was having all the fun while Steve waded through the experience. The girl, Maggie, had already shot Steve down multiple times, choosing instead to silently brood while her friend danced with Bucky. Steve had taken the hint and pulled out a pencil and pad of paper and started sketching._

_“Aren’t you going to ask me to dance?” Maggie asked after a while, startling Steve slightly._

_“I did ask. Twice. You said no.”_

_“Maybe you should ask again.”_

_“Are you gonna say no?” The girl deliberated that for a moment._

_“I’m not sure yet.”_

_“Why should I ask if you don’t know if you want to say yes?”_

_“So, what you’re just going to sit there and draw? An old, regular Picasso you are, huh?” Before Steve could answer another voice joined the conversation._

_“Not really Picasso, more Salvador Dali than anything else.” Steve turned to his left where a girl of Japanese descent was leaning over his shoulder slightly, examining his work with a critical eye before looking up at him. She looked about the same height as him with black hair in curls around her face, her lips painted red. She wore a beautiful green dress that swept her calves and shoes that did nothing for her height. He felt that familiar pang in his gut just looking at her as she gave him an interested look._

_“It’s very good.” She complimented._

_“Well, I don’t dabble with surrealism or abstract very often. I usually focus on realism, expressionism if I’m in the mood for it.” Steve said, half hoping she wouldn’t know any of those terms and retreat._

_“Maybe you should change your tune, you have quite the gift. I wish I handled abstract that well but my professor says I use my brush like a tool rather than an extension of myself and so my work will always come off as shallow and without deeper meaning.” She said, a wide smile on her face despite the harsh words she quoted in a mock man’s voice. Steve felt that all too familiar pang in his stomach again at that smile but this time it was accompanied by an off-beat thud in his chest._

_“Ouch.”_

_“I know. He used to say—”_

_“Ahem. Excuse me, we’re on a date.” Maggie said indignantly._

_“Really? It didn’t seem like it. Looked like you were two strangers trying not to talk to each other.” Steve stifled a smile at the girl’s quip as Maggie huffed beside him._

_“Whatever. Talk about boring old pictures all you want, I’m leaving.”_

_“Nice meeting you.” Steve called after her, ignoring the middle finger thrown back at him._

_“Well, she’s a piece of work.”_

_“You’re telling me.” Steve replied, shaking his head before looking at the girl as she took a seat beside him, her hand held out to him._

_“I’m Toshiko Iwasaki but you can call me Tosh.” She said, a wide inviting smile on her face._

_“Steve Rogers.” Tosh giggled slightly then._

_“Sorry, your name just seems so dull compared to mine. My obaasan, that’s my grandmother, she always says names should be self-fulfilling prophecies. Like Toshiko means ‘intelligent child’. Of course, Iwasaki means ‘rock peninsula’ so take that with a grain of salt.”_

_“I don’t even know what my name means.”_

_“You should get on that, could be important. Kind of like how you were able to get those lines so precise freehand. I could never do it.” Before Steve could answer Bucky suddenly walked up._

_“Hey Stevie, Maggie dragged Theresa away so I’m headed home. You coming?” Steve looked over at him before glancing at Tosh. Bucky glanced at her as well before looking at Steve wide-eyed._

_“Or not. Better yet, you stay here. We can catch up later.” Bucky waggled his eyebrows at him before sauntering off, leaving Steve and Tosh alone._

_“Not one for subtly, is he?” Tosh said around a giggle._

_“No, he isn’t.” Steve replied with slight exasperation._

_“So, those lines?” She asked. Steve did his best to ward off the tingles the spark in her eyes inspired._

_It was easier said than done._

“Toshiko was an artist too. She was funny and energetic but she was strong and didn’t back down from her beliefs ever. She was… perfect for me. But I was stubbornly set in my ways back then.”

“Just back then?” Sam replied teasingly. Steve rolled his eyes but continued.

“I didn’t want to admit that maybe I hadn’t found myself after all. If I still liked women, I figured it meant I didn’t like men and then what did that mean my relationship with Alan was? I still saw him all the time even though we had broken up. He was still special to me. I still loved him. I didn’t want anything to taint that or make it any less important to me.”

“I get that.”

“It actually took someone I met at one of the clubs to set me to rights. I knew them from my neighborhood. They worked at a factory, their wife was a baker. During the day, they were Louie Bowen and at night they were Miranda. It always kind of confused me, even when their wife came. It seemed like there was no problems between them. They were just as much in love as Deborah and Miranda as they were as Deborah and Louie. I didn’t ask about it until after I met Tosh. The way they explained was that they were both, they were Louie and Miranda and one didn’t cancel out the other. They said it could be the same for me except for my sexuality rather than my identity. I could like men and I could like women and neither negated the other, or even necessarily had to do with each other. I could be attracted to two completely different things in men and women or have the same type across the board and it was fine. That helped me a lot.”

“Wish I had someone to set me straight back then. Fumbling around to figure my shit out was not fun, not for anyone involved.” Sam commented, twisting in his seat to face forward.

“Was that the reason you and Misty broke up?” Steve asked hesitantly. Sam paused for a moment and Steve almost regretted asking.

“Partly, I guess. We knew each other since we were in elementary school. It felt natural to start dating and it was great, she was my best friend and my girlfriend so we just clicked and we understood each other in a way no one else did. That’s probably why she figured out I liked guys before I did, or before I was ready to admit it. Then we got into fights with each other about it and other things. It didn’t help that we were miles away at different colleges. She broke up with me for a little while, about four months. While we were broken up I had my first time with a guy. Leon. He was a quarterback, firmly in the closet. It was a party, we were both drinking. At least, that’s what I used to justify myself at the time. It wasn’t a prolonged thing, just lasted over a three-day weekend, it sent me into a complete panic though and I tried to sleep with as many girls as I could to make myself feel better. I was such a mess back then.” Steve gave Sam a sympathetic glance at that. He knew what that panic felt like.

“Misty and I ended up getting back together after that. It wasn’t the same though, I think she could feel that I was different, that something had happened. I barely touched her when we were together because I was so ashamed of what I did when we were broken. She thought I was cheating on her but I was just terrified she’d know the minute I touched her. I don’t know, I was highly irrational at the time. Then I enlisted, which she didn’t approve of. She joined the police force, which I didn’t approve of. I met Riley and she thought I was in love with him and cheating on her. And just a whole mix of things that ultimately ended in us having a huge blow out and not speaking to each other for years after that.”

“That was part of the reason Toshiko and I broke up. She was _livid_ when she found out I tried to enlist. After Pearl Harbor, things were getting harder for her. People were already bigoted and cruel and that just made them even more bigoted and crueler than ever. She thought that I wanted to fight in the war because of some macho patriotism, get back at the foreigners who dared to attack my country. It wasn’t that. I just wanted it to be over and I wanted everyone I cared about safe, that included her. We were hearing about the internment camps and I hoped that, I don’t know, I hoped I could do something to make sure she didn’t have to go. She didn’t want me to enlist because she thought I’d get killed. She wanted to protect me and I wanted to protect her and in the end we were just hurting each other. She broke up with me and then her family was sent to an internment camp. I met Erskine and well the rest is history.”

“Do you know what happened to her?” Sam asked with curiosity and slight dread. Steve glanced over at him with a smile.

“I looked her up when I got back, both her and Alan. Alan died in the war but Tosh lived. Her family moved to Paris after but she came back to America, fought and marched during the Civil Rights Movement and Feminist Movements of the 60s. She made art, she stood up for what she believed in, she lived her life happily. So, even though I lost her, I was happy for her.” Steve said, smiling. It hurt, being back and losing everything but knowing that Tosh, and Peggy, got to live full, happy lives helped significantly.

“You still love her, a part of you always will so her happiness means the world to you. I feel that with Misty. She’ll always be the only woman I’ve ever been in love with. It was really good to catch up with her in Harlem.” Sam said.

“I’m glad for you. I think…” Steve trailed off causing Sam to glance at him quizzically.

“It’s just that I noticed how calm you were in Harlem, how at home you were. You haven’t been like that anywhere else, it was a good look.”

“Well, I haven’t been home anywhere else.” Sam replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Except it wasn’t, not for Steve anyway.

“What?” Sam asked.

“Hmm?”

“You’re thinking something and it’s bothering you but you won’t say it out loud, probably because you’re afraid of what I’m going to say.” Steve glanced at him with surprise.

“I’ve been with you a year now, I know you.” Steve smiled slightly. A year together and Steve had managed to almost certainly fall in love with the other man and hid it so poorly the only person who seemed to not know was Sam. Even Natasha asked him if he’d asked Sam out yet when she called. His mother had only met him for a couple hours before confronting him about it.

“Steve?” Sam asked, snapping him out of his reverie.

“You’re gonna laugh, you’re gonna think it’s corny.” Steve said in lieu of his previous thoughts.

“Only one way to find out.” The blonde sighed, feeling his cheeks heat up a little.

“I was gonna say that I… I haven’t felt at home in a long while. Everything has changed so much and, hell, I can’t say I would’ve felt any different coming home from the war to nothing having changed at all. So much had happened at that point, to think I wouldn’t change too would be stupid. All of that is just a long way of me saying that… I haven’t felt at home, that is until I met you. You’ve helped me to see things differently, helped me stay grounded and feel safe to be myself and think the way I do, act the way I do. You’ve made me feel like everything’s alright, even when it isn’t. So, thank you for that.” Steve could feel Sam’s eyes on the side of his face, could hear his sharp inhalation but he didn’t look over, not wanting to see what Sam’s face looked like. What he’d said wasn’t a declaration of love by any means, at least not romantic love, but he wanted Sam to know that he was special to him no matter what misgivings he or anyone else may have about their relationship.

“You’re right, that was corny.” Sam said after a moment. Steve could hear the smile in his voice as he said it.

“But I like it. It was sweet corn.” Steve shook his head.

“Now, that was corny.”

“We can be corn together. Just two kernels in a cob.” Steve laughed at that, his hands gripping the steering wheel so he didn’t veer off the road.

“What? Did I take the analogy too far?” Sam asked, laughter in his voice.

“Just a little.” The two laughed again before tapering off into comfortable silence.

The car ride was smooth after that, if quiet but it was a comfortable kind of quiet. Steve focused on his driving while Sam fiddled with the radio and let the music play softly. When they got to Montreal, they checked into a small hotel per their tradition during their road trip. It wasn’t too far from their target which they would check out the next day. Apparently, there was a HYDRA base nearby and it hadn’t been taken down yet but it was possible that it was Bucky’s next stop. If it wasn’t then at the very least it was down to the two of them to take it down.

It had gotten easier and easier over time to stake these bases out and formulate a plan of attack. Working together over a cumulative time-period certainly paid off in that regard at least. The only downside was the boredom during the actual staking out part but Sam and Steve usually used that time to talk about various things or play little games together. In this case, they had been laying in the brush silently for a majority of the time which Steve didn’t have a problem with. He and Sam were just as comfortable together talking as they were just being. However, that didn’t last forever because Sam was staring at him… again.

In the car, it made sense. He knew what that was about then. He was curious about why they were driving and then about Alan and Tosh but now…

He kind of wished he would just ask or say whatever it was because his gaze was putting Steve on edge and the last thing he needed to be while crouched in a wooded area across from a HYDRA base was on edge without notice. He couldn’t make a mistake, a mistake could mean Sam’s life and if that happened, if he lost him… he didn’t even know what he would do in that case.

They stayed silent for a minute more, Steve’s eyes trained on the too-quiet base and Sam’s eyes trained on Steve before the blonde spoke up.

He sighed and dropped the binoculars he had in his hands. He didn’t need them to see but they had an x-ray feature and as great as his powers were, that wasn’t one of them.

“Sam, what is it?” Steve asked, glancing at the other man while keeping his senses zoned into the base.

“Huh?”

“You keep staring at me.”

“Sorry.” Sam mumbled, looking away.

“You don’t have to apologize. I know something is bothering you but you don’t want to burden me or make me feel uncomfortable, so you’re not saying anything.” Sam looked at him with surprise.

“I know you just as well as you know me.” Steve said, answering Sam’s unasked question. Sam shook his head a little.

“I’ve just been thinking is all.”

“About?”

“What you said earlier in the car.”

“Which part?” Steve asked curiously, turning their earlier conversation over in his head.

“About how I seemed at home in Harlem and you saying you felt at home, well, with me.” Steve looked away, a redness growing on his face. Not one of his subtler moments.

“I was thinking about it. My parents always told me that as important as a house is, home should be found in people, not a place. Harlem is great, it’s important to me. The memories I made there are always going to live with me but it’s the people, my family, my friends, the people I grew up with, the ones who shaped me… _Misty_ , that’s what made it home.” Steve looked down and away then. He shouldn’t feel jealous, there was no reason for it. To think Sam didn’t have a life much less a love life before Steve was ridiculous and as far as Steve knew, Sam hadn’t dated a woman after her. Sam was perfectly content with himself as a gay man now but Steve would be foolish to think that Misty wouldn’t always hold a special place in Sam’s heart. She was his first love and the way Sam had looked at her when Steve noticed the two standing together a few feet from the Tavern, well you’d have to be an exceptional liar to fake a look like that.

“If you want to go back home, I won’t stop you. You deserve to be with your family, with your… with Misty if that’s what you want.” Sam opened his mouth to reply before closing it with a frown.

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I don’t regret going with you to do this but I was thinking… I was thinking about what you said about being back in Brooklyn and what home is and I was figuring that Bucky was probably home for you once upon a time. I think you want to help him, that’s a big part of finding him for you I’m sure, but getting home back that’s not something anyone can pass up.” Now Steve was just confused again. Sam seemed to be talking in circles around whatever the issue was, leaving Steve lost.

“While I’m not gonna deny that, what is all of this actually about? Because I’m having trouble figuring all of this out.”

“Are you in love with Bucky?” Sam suddenly blurted.

**~*~*~**

Sam didn’t mean to just throw it out there like that. He was going to have more tact than that. He was going to ease his way into the question. He was not going ask during a mission when they should be focused on anything but this but it’s all been coming down on Sam since the car ride. Because looking at Steve’s face as he talked about his past loves, Alan and Toshiko, listening to his words, hearing the way his voice caressed their names, it was all so familiar.

He’d heard that tone, seen that look on his face before when he was talking about Peggy Carter. Sam understood that. He understood the sadness in Steve’s eyes and the melancholy. It was missed opportunity and loss of love, a fledgling love but one that had such potential to be something greater. Sam had had some loves like that. Loves that he felt to his bones and wanted so badly but ultimately life or circumstance got in the way.

But he’d also heard that tone and seen that look on his face before when he was talking about Bucky Barnes. Barnes who, just like Carter, was taken from Steve due to life and circumstance. Barnes who was Steve’s best friend since childhood. Barnes who was the only tether left to Steve’s past, to home. Barnes who Steve would tear down the world and government agencies for.

And that wasn’t really fair to say because freedom, justice, civil liberties, life, right and wrong, all those concepts factored in there somewhere but Barnes was a fulcrum in Steve’s existence, it’d be foolish to think otherwise. And sure Steve said Sam was home for him now (or a big part of it anyway because Sam really didn’t want to be anyone’s be all, end all. That was just asking for trouble.) but a lot of people said a lot of things. Steve wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t good at it and he would only do it if he felt it was necessary, if he wanted to protect someone, but all Sam could think about was his mother’s warning to Steve.

Maybe she was right. Maybe he and Steve were just too close to one another and that was creating feelings between them that otherwise wouldn’t exist. Maybe they were just lonely and in need of deeper connections and seeing as how most of the time it was just them, it made sense that they might get confused. It’s happened before, Riley… fucking Riley.

Sam meant what he told Misty, Riley was his friend and only a friend but he knew that Riley had feelings for him, or thought he did anyway. He knew that those feelings weren’t really for him so much as the guy Riley had back home who he was doing some complicated dance with.

Riley and Chad’s relationship stumped Sam on the best of days. Chad was a WASP, his family affluent and dapper and Riley was a trailer trash kid who worked on Chad’s father’s cars. The two of them fucked or dated (depending on which one you asked on any given day) on the DL and then either of them would get scared that someone would find out or that they were getting too close to one another because of course they weren’t gay, sex was just sex. So, one of them would get a girlfriend to satisfy their parents’ questions and their own self-doubts, only to break up with her some months down the line and go right back to each other. In other words, it was a shitty soap opera waiting to be written.

Sam wanted no part of it no matter how much Riley thought he was in love with him. Sam had fancied himself to have a crush on Riley the first few months he’d known him. It helped Sam who was just getting comfortable in his skin and secure in his sexuality that he felt calm enough to rationally harbor a crush on a guy without doing something to prove that feeling false. Once Sam knew Riley’s drama, that crush proved short-lived and turned into a deep friendship, a friendship that was open and honest so Riley was upfront with his feelings and Sam was upfront with his view of things. It hurt Sam to hurt Riley even though he knew the man needed to get his head out of his ass and face up to his true feelings, feelings that weren’t really for Sam but for Chad. He was glad Riley was able to do that before he died, he was glad he and Chad were together and happy. Truthfully, Chad was a great guy.

All of that was to say, Sam had been in this situation before and he understood. Not getting to be with the person you really loved sucked. It sucked less when you were getting to spend time with someone else, someone you connect with, someone you call a friend but feelings were troublesome things and they could get all jumbled up and confused in one’s head and their heart. Sam had enough dignity and respect to not be someone’s replacement but he was Steve’s friend and furthermore counselling people was his job, steering Steve in the right direction was the right thing to do.

“It’s okay if you are in love with him, I’m not gonna judge. Times are different now so—”

“Sam.” Steve said cutting him off.

“What makes you think I’m in love with Bucky?”

“It’s the little things, you know. The look on your face when you talk about him or see pictures of him, the way you say his name and talk about him. Like I said, it’s okay. Honestly, it is. Sometimes when you’re close to someone, feelings you have for someone else can get projected on to another person. You miss Bucky and that’s understandable. It’s understandable you’d, however unconsciously, try to find a replacement for him or for—”

“Sam, stop. I’m not now nor have I ever been in love with Bucky. He is my friend, he’s like a brother to me. That’s all we’ve ever been for one another. And I’m not using you to replace anyone or anything, you’re… you’re important to me. I hope that I’ve gotten that across in the past year and if I haven’t, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“Yes, I do. I don’t know what you think you saw or heard but the affection I have for him is different than what I had for Alan or Tosh or Peggy or… it’s just different. It’s more like how I feel about Natasha than anything else. I promise.” Sam tried hard not to feel disappointed that Steve didn’t finish his sentence but he could hear the unspoken words and it cause a conflicting cacophony of feelings because a part of him wanted Steve to finish the sentence and another part didn’t. Sam didn’t want to examine the feelings behind either emotion right then.

"Okay." Sam said simply, looking away.

"You don't believe me." Steve said.

"I... no."

"Why?" Sam could hear the dismay in his voice and he felt horrible but he couldn’t change the way he felt.

"I..." Sam debated finishing that sentence. He had never been one for avoidance but this was a situation that was almost left better off when he wasn't aware of how tangled it actually was. Except he knew now and he couldn't ignore it.

"I heard you." Sam confessed, looking at the dirt beneath him. He found interest in the shrubs concealing them from HYDRA's detection, anything to not look at Steve.

"Heard me what?"

"In Harlem, when you and my mother were talking about me in the kitchen, I heard you." He felt Steve stiffen beside him.

"You said you were in love with me. Or Mom did and you didn't deny it. I've been thinking about it, or what she said anyway. The part about you maybe trying to replace Bucky. I've been here before, Riley projected his feelings for his boyfriend on me and it was a disaster. So, I understand but I can't... if that's the case, it would probably be better if—"

"Move." A voice said from the blackness, interrupting Sam. Both he and Steve turned abruptly only to see a man dressed in black tactical gear with a gun pointed at them. They stared at him for a moment, unmoving, before Steve shifted slightly.

"Don't even think about it." The man warned, gesturing towards Sam's head. Steve looked at his forehead with a rigid expression before looking back at the complex. If Sam had to guess, there was a sniper rifle pointed at him right then. Both he and Steve carefully stood with their hands raised and did their death march towards the HYDRA complex.


End file.
